I'm in the middle of writing my sermon for tomorrow (I've kept it a bit late, but it's been a crazy week) and I am really unhappy with it. I do like the end bit though and I thought I would share it with you. What do you think? 

In our Lenten living we constantly point not to ourselves but to the Kingdom - instead of random acts of kindness, we demonstrate random acts of the Kingdom by living in its subversity. If we challenged ourselves to read and live out the Beatitudes in our homes, churches and communities what would this world look like? To go into a place like a desert is not for the faint hearted, but if we go bravely forward we invite a miracle - and as we take each step towards Easter Fasting, Praying and Giving being aware of our attitude we invite Jesus to walk with us every step of the way and we take on the attitude of Christ, to Fast in love, to Pray in Love and to Give in love - subversive living in an age when people do not expect much from each other, but Christ has exceeded expectation and has made us ALIVE in Him.

I couldn't sleep very well last night, I am not sure if it was the meal I had or the anticipation of another funeral with my first burial. I was well prepared, I had all my words, but I couldn't stop thinking that something could go wrong! I eventually got to sleep and I woke up to another freezing day and wishing I had bought myself a cloak at the Tat Fair at college! It was going to be a cold morning. 

I always get to the church in plenty of time and the first thing I do is make sure that all the technology works - candles will always light and they can be done later, but the PA system and most importantly the CD player need to be checked!! I switched on the PA, pressed the CD button on the mixer, pushed the volume up. I put in a test CD and pressed play - nothing. No sound. Oh no! About 32 seconds into the song Frank Sinatra had already started singing – mild panic sets in - a dodgy CD player! I have no contingency plan and the family are expecting three songs during the service. I tried the next track, that worked fine. When the CD for the service arrived with the undertaker I immediately tried it in the CD player and the same problem. No sound. I tried fiddling around with it and eventually got some noise – not much, but enough. I got the first song cued up and on pause – ok, candles next!

Before the service began I went out to meet the undertakers and the family and we processed in together. When we arrived at the back of the church the undertaker called out, ‘please stand’ – cue music - *silence* OH NO! I paused for about three seconds and realised I just had to get on with it, so we proceeded with a quick prayer up to God, ‘please let the other two songs work’.

Once the coffin was placed on the trellises I was very conscious that all eyes were now on me. Should I apologise for the lack of song or just begin? “Jesus said, I am the resurrection and the life…” I decided to just move on and hope the other songs worked.

The rest of the service went smoothly. The family had asked me to read the eulogy and two poems. I was very aware of my own voice – there are a lot of words in a funeral service and so I felt it was important to give time and space for people to be silent and think of the memories they had of their loved one. 

The other two songs were patchy at best, but at least we heard something!!

After the funeral service I rushed off (!) to the cemetery to conduct the burial. The last burial I went to was that of my step-father, so there were lots of memories flooding back to me about that day, but this morning I was very conscious that this was the end of a long process of the family. There is so much to organise for a funeral and for the grieving family it can be a distraction from the grief. Putting all your energy into a big family event like this is important to a person (that’s why you should have a contingency for a rubbish CD player). After the very short service that is the burial your part is effectively over and I was very conscious of stepping backwards and letting the family step in for ‘their part’ of saying good bye for the final time and moving on to the next stage of their grief. Now the distraction of the funeral is over there is nothing but the grief left. I made sure the family had my number and an offer of a follow up visit if they needed me.

It was strange to walk away having done ‘my bit’. What do I do now? The rest of today has been very strange. A lot of emotional energy goes into facilitating an event like this. It has been helpful to write about it here, but out of everything that happened today I will always make sure there is a contingency for a dodgy CD player!

Next week I have my first funeral with a burial! I met with the bereaved son last week to talk about his dad who died over a week ago. 

I remember at college people telling me that funeral ministry was a very fulifiling part of their work and it being a privilege coming alongside people at their deepest need and grief. I have to be honest and say that I thought these people were crazy because for me, death, dying and in particular funerals was the one area of ministry I was most afraid of - in my own mind it was the scariest because it could go so so wrong. 

What I have found so far in this particular part of my ministry is that helping people through this difficult time of bereavement is indeed a privilege. They have decided to come to you for a funeral service and as ministers we have an opportunity to talk with, pray with and listen to people usually at the sharp end of their pain and hurt at the loss of their loved one. I may have gone mad myself in coming to this way of thinking but for me this aspect of ministry is an opportunity to sit down with a person and look back on a life and hear the amazing stories that they hold. I firmly believe that we are all story tellers because we all have had experiences and sitting with a person and learning about another human being is particularly special. 

Next week we will gather for a funeral where several things will happen. It will be my opportunity to offer the message of love and hope of a God who is in control and has given us an assurance that in His Son, Jesus death is not the end. People will share more stories, read poems, listen to special pieces of music. We will pray together and ultimately family and friends will say goodbye to someone special but with them they take home the stories, memories both happy and sad and experiences that have been shared but will stay with them forever. 

My job (I think) is to be. Say little. Listen. Be Jesus for the family and friends that have gathered to remember and say goodbye. I will offer them that hope that God is with them and knows their pain. 

I'll let you know how it goes!

Today in a service after the main church service I welcomed over 100 people to my first baptism. They obviously didn’t know that, and I certainly wasn’t going to tell them that, but what an amazing privilege it was. In my preparation I had focussed on the service, getting the name right and not dropping the baby (an important one I got around by letting the mother hold the child over the font – I call it ‘collaborative working’) and of course making sure there was water in the font! What I had not anticipated was the number of guests! They just kept coming in…it began to dawn on me that this was a bigger affair than I first anticipated. Not only did I have to deal the significant theology of the questions asked and vows being made but the fact it was me on my own and ALL THESE PEOPLE! I was a little scared…but God created adrenaline and it kicked in and I got through it! It was great fun!

Doing a baptism for a family in England who don’t usually come to church is a tricky one for me. I was more than delighted to baptise the child and I took the opportunity to spell out the commitment of what was being professed, but when you are immediately sidelined after the service for photos and the party afterwards, all there is left is a church to tidy and lock up…well, actually, that is not true as what was evident to me today was the incredible sense of the God’s love an grace that filled the building. The baby slept during the baptism but there was a security and a peace about her that was profound and I would argue spiritual.

In one sense the service were words on a page to some, but for me it showed just great the Church’s responsibility is in making sure they keep their end of the bargain – we welcome you in the family of faith has such wide reaching consequences and today I think I was made fully aware of just big and scary the commitment of baptism really is…

I really cannot believe that I have been ordained deacon six months already! In lots of ways it feels like I have been here for much longer (in a good way!). It seems such a long time ago since I was at my ordination retreat trying to work out how I could sneak out so I can get some needle and thread to sew up my cassock which was far too big for me.

These six months have been a roller coaster of thoughts, feelings, emotions, experiences and many other things. I think for me one of the trickier parts of being a deacon has been the adjustments of identity I have had to make. I have really enjoyed doing the work of a Curate, but I have to admit that working out what it means to be a curate has been really hard. There is a big difference for me in the being and doing and I am beginning to discover that it is probably going to take me a life time work out what the being part of this job actually means. 

I hope my contribution to this blog will be a helpful one. Please do use the comments to ask questions, share thoughts and give me feedback. I aim to blog either once a month and when something of particular interest happens. For example, I did my first baptism a few months ago and I will be posting my thoughts on that in a moment. 

Have a happy Christmas and blessed new year.